Actor Neil Patrick Harris: “I’m Assange’s Body Double”

“The age and physical similarities would fool all bar secret agents due to masses of misinformation, spread over the Internet”

by Peter Demain
Arbitrage Partner Blog
Dirty Garnet

Friday’s question and answer session with Wikileaks front-man Julian Assange at the Guardian boasted no great revelation. Yet beneath the trivialities about the world being mainly ruled by manipulative, self-serving, deceitfully abhorrent scum-suckers – an important query was glossed over:

“Mr. Assange – How do you feel about rumours stating a certain rising Hollywood star is to act, free of charge, as your body double?”

Neil Patrick Harris in covert communicative efforts negotiated a deal with Wikileaks. He’d obtain ‘unique training in Queensland inflexions’ and draw on astuteness for deft maverick action gained from an early life spent learning medicine. The age and physical similarities would fool all bar secret agents due to masses of misinformation, spread over the Internet.

Advanced facial recognition technology was employed to find substance to these rumours. Two share size triangular-corn crisp bags and a copy of the first Harold and Kumar movie later the culprit who’d been shielded behind insider referencing was realized. It just shows how modern investigative journalism stems even from scant leads like: “lmao, let’s hope Julian doesn’t gallop off a precipice astride his unicorn”.

This website’s motive for obtaining said revelation results from suspension of a grandfatherly ambassador who writes for this website. Timothy Gorter-Flyte’spublishing of a frank discussion led to an abominable suspension from duty without pay. His reputation was tattered. Use ofKestrel rose in the face of the Amazon credit card scheme imposing a block.

At midnight I got an urgent call from Francis Strimpton-Strimpaton –Timothy’s butler and valet. I was granted news that in the early hours our hapless contributor was rushed to hospital, reportedly having collapsed incardiac megastoppcopallis induced by strained intoxication. He’d been arm-wrestling with a Swedish man. The match was consensual but unprotected: neither wore secure strap-ridden gloves. This is illegal under both British and Swedish law meaning Sven Haffluggabjorn’s extradition will follow post-haste.

Far worse than even Tim’s life hanging in the balance the beginnings of a slovenly, agreeable night’s sleep were negated. Nothing is worse than an over the phone tearful, disconcerted butler’s self-concerned outpouring about his ‘place in the world’. Who does this ex-public school egoist think he is? A paid-up Foreign Office official?

Savanna – Garnet Press’s in-house PR bureau – went to work. Our USA correspondent Terence Beck was instructed to convey homely folkisms to connections: the truth would emerge from the Hollywood catacombs hooked or crooked! As this article goes to server we’ve received unofficial affirmation from three wires, five news-sheets, Goldie Hawn, and Disney’s copyright department: a source never wrong.

We pursued suspicions upon reading a certain quote of Harris’s located on this brainy webpage:

“I like the tube more than the NY subway though, you’ve got cushioned seats.” – Neil Patrick Harris

Anyone who has traversed the Tube realizes that as mass transit it is inferior to anything else anywhere in the world and possibly galaxy. A mere hat can bring the entire system to a stop. Harris’s smart euphemism largely conceals perception of the global stage, whose fragility in the face of boundless bungling is rather unIlluminatinating.

[pullquote]I was like – ‘screw the West Wing…this is a real political shim-diggery role right here’![/pullquote]

Despite a cushy cushioned elite’s wishes, the hat swarm of leaks would in theory upset the motion of the worldwide tube. Unfortunately the leak was leaked prior to the preferred time of the injection of a still in-training Patrick Harris. A large cache of documents exposing Hollywood’s wondrous accounting practices were to be unveiled.

Assange was reached at an as yet unleaked location by an AP official. According to AP’s newsdesk, Julian is ‘not particularly bothered, as Harris is too well-guarded to be facially disfigured’. Operation Trenteface aims to create thirty Julian doubles within twelve months, each imbued with a steely, hardcore aura of silence needed to thwart torturers for whom time is a factor.

Once scores of spurious faux-Assange arrests have taken place, it is the intention of Wikileaks to get the USA to realize that leaks go on regardless of a so-called Hydra-figurehead. It’s believed the true Assange will be forcibly granted law enforcer status to permit trumped-up ‘officer impersonation’ charges levied on the false Assanges.

Minutes ago Patrick Harris was confronted about the rumours outside of an LA nightclub:

“Listen Julian is one of the guys, alright? We had this talk over web-cam and Amy – a friend of mine – said ‘Heyyy, you guys look really alike, you know that?’ – We just stared at our screens for a minute and then we knew. I knew and he knew what needed to be done. At first it was a joke…the heat wasn’t too heavy back then. Then it got serious, and I was like – ‘screw the West Wing…this is a real political shim-diggery role right here’! Few months on here we are. Oh yeah let me just say that the nightlife of LA is nothing compared to NYC’s. Peace!” –

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by Peter Demain
Arbitrage Partner Blog
Dirty Garnet

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